Ep 2-Parenting through change: managing big transitions
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Today we're diving into something that comes up fairly regularly, unfortunately, managing transitions.
today's episode, we're talking about big transitions. Here in Victoria, we've just gone back to our new calendar year at school and already I'm getting lots of phone calls from teachers and [00:02:00] parents saying how difficult the transition has been from our big block of January school holidays into the new year.
So Today I've put together this episode in the hope that we can support our little ones in the transition back now, but also that you can revisit this closer to the time when you might have another big transition coming up.
If it's another set of school holidays, if it's moving house, parents are going through a separation, whatever it might be, this episode will help support kids and adolescents with managing big transitions in life.
why are transitions so hard? Change can feel really unsettling, especially for kids who thrive on predictability. I find our kids with autism or ADHD really thrive on prediction and being able to understand and anticipate what's coming next.
For a lot of our kids, they might struggle with the unknown and feeling [00:03:00] overwhelmed by the shift in expectation or finding hard to process what's coming next, but also understanding your expectations on them too.
We find, even as parents and as adults, that when we've got big things happening in our lives too, we can feel stress and vulnerability as well. We might anticipate reassurance, but we also have the maturity to understand that what we're feeling right now will pass. You're walking into a new job and you know, you're going to get the support and the help, hopefully to start that new job off smoothly.
But for our little ones who are going into a new year of school or whatever it might be, they haven't got that maturity or that cognitive understanding yet of where this might go or where they might end up or who's going to support them. Or are they going to be alone? Are they going to make friends?
All those sorts of [00:04:00] things.
Here are some of my practical strategies and tips in the hope to help have a smoother transition. Number one is prepare and review. The more a child knows what to expect, the safer they'll feel. Using things like visual schedules, social stories, and countdowns might be able to help ease some of this stress.
But for some of our kids, having that reminder of the anticipation of what's coming up might stress them more. So please just make sure that the strategies you're going to put in place actually complement the child that you're working with or the child you have.
I will talk about school a fair bit because I find school is probably one of the biggest transitions that children need to be able to manage fairly independently. So, for the kids I work with, I always suggest to families that if you're starting off at a new school or if you're having to change the routine, From the year prior to have a go and practice in the [00:05:00] school holidays, what that routine would look like.
For our little preppies, so in Victoria, we call them preps or foundations. We, have a go in the January school holidays prior of a practice of what school would look like. We practice getting the uniform on, making sure that sensory wise that we're all comfortable with it, or as much as we can be.
We'll drive to the school, we'll pick the gate that we need to be meeting at. We'll navigate the grounds, we'll point out the bathrooms, we'll point out the staff room and reception, and we'll go look in their classroom. Most teachers are flexible that if you can coordinate it, you can head in on the day prior, so their PD day usually, where you might be able to spend 10 15 minutes and just meet the new teacher in the classroom.
That way, the child has less anxiety and less stress about their first day of school because they've already got an understanding of what it might look like. Without all the new little faces and the new friends and the [00:06:00] hustle and the bustle of the first day at school. That's one of my biggest tips that I can give you going into a new school or a new year at school is being able to map out what that new routine might actually look like.
The best thing about these strategies and all these strategies that I will be discussing further into the podcast is that these can be used for any new experience that you might have coming up. If that's, you've got a child starting at a new sport club or at scouts, or you're moving house, or a grandparent is unwell in hospital at the moment, there's lots of different strategies that we've spoken about today that you can integrate into these different situations in life.
Another tip that might be useful is some of my families choose to take a break from extracurricular activities in first term. This helps the child gently get into the new year and meet their new friends and meet their [00:07:00] new teacher, meet all their new expectations without then having to meet a whole lot of new people and expectations with extracurricular activities as well.
But in saying that, if you've been attending the same footy group or basketball group for a long time now, I would still encourage keeping that routine and keeping that connection in term one. Don't necessarily get rid of it just because it's a new year, but if there's lots of change going on all at once, just be mindful just how much change this child needs to be going through.
When a child might be going through a lot of change at once, sometimes it's good to build in control so that the child feels like they can control some part of their life and not everything is pulling out from under them. It might just be tiny things like, do you want a ham sandwich or a cheese sandwich in your lunchbox? Choose something to do over the weekend. What would you like for dinner? But also on the flip side, in saying [00:08:00] this, if your child gets overwhelmed with choice, try and reduce as much choice as possible if that's the case. I would word things like, I'm going to put a cheese sandwich in your lunchbox, or We are going to go to the park on Saturday morning for some fresh air or something like that just to give them predictability, have something to look forward to, but also not overwhelm them with choice.
Because if you say, Oh, you're doing a fantastic job at school, really proud of you, you can choose whatever you want to do over the weekend. And if that child is overwhelmed by choice, it's just going to make them more stressed and it's not going to be an enjoyable event.
Another tip I have is to look at their sensory system and their sensory processing challenges. I find sometimes when kids are going through a big bit of change, their sensory preferences might change too. They might find things more sensitive or they might need more opportunities to regulate and it's really important to keep this in mind when planning what you're doing or communicating this to other people.
For [00:09:00] example, when your child's starting a new year at school, If they're stressed and overwhelmed, letting the teacher know that they might need more opportunities to move their body throughout the day, or that they might be a bit more squirmy than normal, or they might find their uniform more itchy, or they might struggle to wear their uniform more often.
It's just really important to keep these things in mind and to keep these communication pathways with teachers and integration aides and other important people in this child's life open so that everyone's on the same page.
Another really important tip that I can share is to validate feelings and to acknowledge feelings for these little people. So quite regularly I find both the child and the parents have difficulty identifying the feelings that the child may actually be feeling. That the emotional vocabulary that the family as a unit have isn't very developed, that a [00:10:00] lot of the emotions that these families have are happy, sad and angry, which if you're a child and you're feeling frustrated and confused or overwhelmed, that isn't in the vocabulary of the family for the child to then articulate how they're feeling. So before you can start validating feelings, start to work on emotional literacy and emotional vocabulary around all the different emotions that humans feel.
There's a psychologist named Brene Brown, and I will refer to her a lot in this podcast. I love her. She has done some research into the different types of emotions that humans feel. And there are 87 different types of emotions and experiences of what we feel. Which, if you're having difficulty communicating and identifying emotions with your child, if all you're talking about is happy, sad and angry, how are we able to actually help these children identify how they feel, and then [00:11:00] be able to action an appropriate action of how they feel?
If as a parent, you're wanting to upskill in your own emotional vocabulary, I would highly recommend having a look at Brene Brown's work. This will help you immensely be able to articulate and identify your own emotions, which will help you then identify and articulate and support the emotions that your child is feeling as well.
This next strategy is more aimed at our younger children, but being able to role play and practice those transitions will be really useful. So if you've got a little one who's going off to school, being able to pretend play what it will look like in a classroom will be useful for them to understand the expectations the teacher will have of them as well.
For some of our older kids and adolescents, being able to talk through and practice what it might be like going for a job interview, or what your first day of high school might look like. Being able to have [00:12:00] that practice and talking through the different steps and the different expectations will help relieve some of that stress around these new transitions.
My last big tip in this podcast episode is to just be kind to yourself and kind to your family and be kind to your child. These big transitions in life can be filled with anxiety and stress and unpredictability that if you can be an emotional anchor and just be kind to every part of the transition it will make things a lot smoother.
These kids will Probably and maybe have an increase in behavior or be more withdrawn or be Dysregulated it's hard to say what could happen in big transitions in life but just be kind to yourself and kind to your own reactions to how things are going will be really useful and help in the general scheme of things.
Thank you [00:13:00] for joining me today. We have just finished discussing parenting through change and managing big transitions.
Well, that's it for today. Thank you for spending some time with me. I know life can be full on and I appreciate you being here. If today's episode has resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need to hear it too. And if you want to keep the conversation going, you can find me over at our socials or on our website.
Remember you're doing an incredible job and you're not alone in this journey. Until next time, take care and be kind to yourself.
