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Episode Transcript

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Go Beyond Therapy podcast. Today we are looking at a strategy that we can use in regulation and in meltdowns, but specifically what a parent or a caregiver can do to help support the child who's having the meltdown. It's really simple, but one of the most incredibly powerful tools I've ever [00:02:00] used with the kids I work with, it's a question that can shift a chaotic moment into a really connected moment. This question or the strategy gives the child a sense of safety and control, and it's a question that might help you just stay calm when everything is overflowing and feels out of control.

 The question today is, how can I help you right now? Let's unpack it a little bit and see how it works and what to expect when you start using it.  So picture this, it's eight o'clock in the morning, everyone's trying to get ready for their day. The kids are attempting to get ready for school. You are trying to help them get out the door, and everything is just chaotic. Everyone's running late. One child refuses to get dressed because they don't like the itchy clothing of their school uniform. Another child is having a meltdown over toast because the crusts weren't cut off properly. School bags aren't packed and your own stress is simmering away, almost at boiling point. You're standing in the middle of it all going, [00:03:00] why is this happening again? I've tried the visual schedules, the to-do list setting in the alarm earlier, why can't they just get ready for school?

And in that moment, instead of reacting, we can stop and we can pause and we can ask, how can I help you right now?

This question does something powerful. It changes the tone of the meltdown and the tone of what's going on from this sort of frustration to curiosity. It shifts the role from you as the parent to be from an enforcer to almost a safe base, to help the child tap within and see how their body is feeling in that moment and what they need, to come out of the meltdown or the dysregulation because no child likes a meltdown. No child likes to be dysregulated. So if we can help offer that olive branch of, I can see you're dysregulated in this moment, or I can see that you're angry in this moment, how can I help you? How can I help you come out of this meltdown so we can get back on [00:04:00] track and get into our day? I find is one of the most rewarding strategies I've found in my toolbox.

 Your little one may not have the words to answer this question because they're either too young or they're nonverbal. But either way, it's still a good way to, even for yourself, stop and think, how can I help this child in this moment? Rather than being reactive and yelling or saying lots of no words. Don't do that. Don't do this. It shifts that attention from being a reactive to a proactive reapproach. You can always shift from a broader sentence of how can I help you in this moment to narrowing it down to being like a multiple choice question.

Do you need a cuddle? Do you need some space? Would you like some help with your shoes? Can I sit next to you? Whatever it might be. You can then narrow down the choice. So if the child is feeling a bit overwhelmed by the idea of having a voice and what to do in that moment, [00:05:00] you can narrow it down. So for me, when I have a little one who's having a meltdown, I usually try and help preempt them to identify the emotion that they're feeling, just to try and reinforce that emotional vocabulary that we're working on too, and go, oh, look, little Johnny, I can see that you're really angry. Your fists are clench, you are sweating, or you are using a loud voice. You can help name the symptoms as such of the emotion that they're feeling. Keep in mind that, you may wanna look at shifting from just using the word angry to maybe using frustrated or overwhelmed. Use the repertoire of language that we have to help encourage kids using that type of language as well, because the strategies from there you'll use are very different if you are angry versus frustrated, versus overwhelmed, versus embarrassed, whatever it might be. But the way you go about managing that emotion will be different depending on the emotion.

For our tweens and teens and our older [00:06:00] kids who are able to advocate for themselves in what they're needing in that moment, you wanna make sure that you pitch the question in the right way. So you may use the exact words of, how can I help you right now? What do you need from me? Do you want some help or would you prefer space?

Sometimes I find if you give permission for kids to need space, they will latch it up completely because they have this idea that they're not allowed to have space, they're not allowed to have quiet, they're not allowed to have a bit of a moment to themselves and us as parents and as adults. We know when we need a space, we'll go to the bathroom, we'll make that cup of tea. We'll remove ourselves from a situation if it's safe to do so. But, we innately have that permission to do what we need to do. Where for kids, because they've always got a caregiver, they've always got an adult, they almost feel like they need permission to do the same thing. Now, with the kids I work with, they know [00:07:00] my boundaries, when they ask for space, they know in a room they need to be able to see me and I need to be able to see them. And that's that level of respect, but the big boundaries of, I understand you need some space, but , you know, I need to be able to see you right now. So I'll respect that. Go sit in the corner, do whatever you need to do, but I need to be able to see you to make sure you are safe. From there, I might tag team and say, no worries, you can have some space for me, or some space from the other kids, how about person X goes with you or person Y? Usually it's another adult in the room, but I know that can be a bit tricky if you're at home. It might take some time for their brains to tick. They may say, I just need you to stop talking because their auditory processing is just overwhelmed. I need you to tell my brother to leave me alone. I need to go outside. So you're giving them that moment and you're building that trust and giving them trust within themselves to actually feel how their body's feeling and know how to come out of that meltdown or the overwhelm [00:08:00] or whatever might be going on.

From here, you may get a response of, I don't know, which is very common, for my little ones who haven't quite tapped into their own personal regulation and knowing their self or co-regulation strategies that they've got in place. And I usually come back with, well, I don't know either. I don't know how your body feels right now. So , let's figure this out together, let's chat about it. And sometimes I'll then start throwing ideas around and say things like, I can see that you look really hot and sweaty right now, how about we take your jumper off? How about we go get a drink of water? And I might just throw ideas around there. Sometimes they'll latch onto one and go, oh yes, please take my jumper off. Because their internal system, so their interception in terms of how their body is processing those automatic responses like temperature, thirst, hunger, those sorts of things may get dampen when they're in a meltdown or they're being overwhelmed.

So [00:09:00] me as a therapist, me as the adult, or for you as the parent, I know that regulating body temperature and having some water, sucking the water through their drink bottle or whatever it might be, is a very calming response 'cause it's a sucking motion. I might suggest if we are doing a home session, having a jump on the trampoline, because I know the proprioception, the vestibular input that a trampoline can provide will actually really help regulate this child. I know they're engaged with it. I know they like this activity, so they'll be motivated to go to the trampoline. But me as a supporting adult, if they can't tell me what they need, I'm going to try and attempt to guess what they need based on knowing the child and their sensory profile as such, and knowing what's worked in the past.

From here, if you still don't get any sort of response, I do a check-in, so I go, no worries. I can see that you are overwhelmed, frustrated, [00:10:00] angry, whatever the emotion might be. I'm gonna come back in a minute or two, give you a moment to think about and see if there's something else I can do to help. If not, I'm just gonna leave you to have some space so I can still see you. Or I will very quietly put some strategies in front of them and see if they will gravitate to them. So I might purposely go get the drink bottle and just place it in front of the child because they may not have the words to be able to tell you what to do. Or have the words to tell you what they need in that moment, but when there's something presented to them in their environment, they may gravitate to that as well, which is something I found. So I might get the drink bottle, I might get the fidgets, I might get a blanket, I might get a pillow. I might get the weighted toy, whatever it might be, whatever has worked in the past, and even if it hasn't worked in the past or it's something new within their repertoire of strategies presented to them, you might be surprised with what they're willing to trial in [00:11:00] those moments. Obviously it depends on what the meltdown is and what the trigger is, but having some fidgets, a drink of water, their lunchbox, and something to cuddle into, if it's a blanket or a pillow or a beanbag, they will usually gravitate to one of them and hopefully start to regulate themselves to come out of the overwhelm or the frustration or whatever's going on.

So the use of this question is more than just words. It is an opportunity to interrupt the stress response, both for yourself and for the child that you're working with. It models co-regulation rather than self-regulation. Co-regulation offers the opportunity to regulate with another person to help use their emotional maturity and their strategies within that moment to help regulate together. This might be breathing, calm tone of voice, but also it helps with that level of connection between yourself and the child. It supports emotional literacy. Body [00:12:00] awareness and safety. It helps children look within to see how their body is feeling, rather than looking outward and seeing what's around them to prompt how they're feeling in that moment. It reduces that power struggle and it actually invites collaboration and it invites the child's curiosity to see how they're feeling in that moment and what might be triggering them and how they can reduce that stress response. It also helps you regulate yourself as well in saying this question actually helps you slow down and stop and breathe and connect rather than reacting. And that's a win really for everyone involved.

So moving forward when things get messy, whether it's a meltdown, refusal moment of shutdown, pause, take a breath and ask the question, how can I help you in this moment? Or How can I help you right now? It may not solve the problem instantly, but it opens that door to connection. And connection is where regulation begins [00:13:00] this work that you'll be doing, it's powerful and you don't have to do it perfectly.

To make a difference, and if it doesn't go well, that's fine. Try again next time. If this episode has resonated with you, feel free to share it with another parent or a carer who might need a gentle reminder that we don't always have the answers. Sometimes. It's just the best we can do in that moment, and it's always about asking the right questions.

Thank you for being here. You're doing an amazing job even on the hard days, and I'm glad we're in this together.